I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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