I need to stop coming to work sober
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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