My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
