Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
