I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
