The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
