I wish my penis had an off switch
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
