god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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