My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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