I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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