Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
