who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
