So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize