I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
