We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
