its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
