Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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