dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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