He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
