He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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