apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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