his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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