If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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