this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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