He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
