you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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