party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
