1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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