I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
