i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
