I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My feet surprised me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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