i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
