I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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