I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
