me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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