Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
