It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
