dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
