he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
