If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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