I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
