Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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