I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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