If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
