Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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