Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
