I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
did you just send me my own nude
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
