Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
