i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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