just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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