I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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