The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize