where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My friends, they love my intelligence
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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