I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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