you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
