I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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