i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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