he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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