I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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