I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
