so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
