STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
