I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and she was petting her beer can
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
