I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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